Make and Do Drugs

Awhile ago, for one of my Creative Cocktails parties, I picked up a book called Make and Do. I figured there'd be a bunch of fun, slighly-70s projects inside that my inebriated friends could make and, later do.
(A sock puppet show, perhaps? )

Also, considering it was a Children's craft book, the projects within would seem easy enough to accomplish under the influence. Drunken tin can stilts, hurray!



Turns out it's all downhill after the tin can stilts. I think the art director was involved in some sort of downward spiral involving hash and horse tranquilizers, combined with a weekend of babysitting. I picture him sitting around on a flowery orange couch within reach of a smoldering bong, barefoot, various neices and nephews sitting around on the shag carpeting.

Art Director: "Kids, think up something crafty to do. I need to make a book."

Kids: "But Uncle Bob, all we have are paper plates and the Sunday paper."

Art Director:"Here's some construction paper."

Kids:"Far out!"

(15 minutes later)

Kids:"Okay, we made a life-sized scene from Children Of The Corn!"

Art Director: "Far out!! I like how you depicted the leader carrying off the helpless victim. I'm going to set this up in the baby's room and take photos of it."

Kids:"Can we watch TV now?"

Art Director: "Tell you what, give me one more and then we'll go to Dairy Queen."


(3 hours later)

Kids:"Okay, this time we made an Army of Darkness out of clay. They're emerging from the sea to destroy all of mankind with mind-control."

Art Director (to self):"Uh-oh, I think that construction paper I gave them was blotter acid...."




Kids:"We also imprisoned Allison on the jungle gym in the park and made her cry by attacking her with a life-sized paper mache marionette. Then we made a totem pole to the Gods. Tommy turned into a lion and he won't come down from a tree. He says it's his sanctuary."

Art Director:"Well, I'm glad you got some photos. My deadline is Tuesday. Now let's have some lunch. I have the munchies."

Remember when they just ate cats?

An alert reader (to whose blog I am addicted) sent me this link to a Thai pizza company's latest, most extreme pizza yet.

Presenting the Double Bacon Cheese Pizza.


From what I can gather, it's got sauce, peppers, water chestnuts (?) shrimp, and possibly ahi tuna on top. Or is that raw beef? Also cheese.

Inside the crust are other animal parts, namely bacon. Twice. Also, more cheese.
On the side, there is a cup full of dipping sauce. Made of cheese.

Dig in, and be transported away to the happy land of the American version of Thai food, made American-style, in Thailand.
Mmmmm.

http://slice.seriouseats.com/archives/2009/01/thai-pizza-company-bacon-cheese-stuffed-crust-bangkok-thailand.html

Microwaving Meats

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you: Microwaving Meats.




















The love of my cookbook life, and the inspiration to my return to vegan diet , I purchased Microwaving Meats from Goodwill over 6 years ago. Not just a cookbook, it is a conversation piece, capable of enrapturing guests for upwards of 3 hours at a time. Horrifying, yet informative, Microwaving Meats dares you to look away from its glistening centerfolds of gelatinous poultry, indecent macro-closeups of marbleized fat, and softly-lit hand models with mauve fingernails stroking raw, bound roasts or, in some cases, firmly grasping and flagellating a chicken leg. Yes, friends, it is 152 pages of Meat Porn.



When Microwave technology first dazzled the public eye with its nuclear rays in the 1970s, many housewives were puzzled. Fine, I can reheat leftovers, but what about this Pork Loin? I have a family of 4 growing kids, how am I to prepare my Royal Rolled Roast? And what good is technology if I can't use it to cook an entire turkey?

Good news - you CAN!



But what if I don't know what PART of the entire turkey you're talking about when you say "Wrap securely in wax paper, then bind with kitchen twine?" Well, Microwaving Meats comes with helpful diagrams to point out, with no sense of irony whatsoever, every part of every animal ever consumed by humans ever, even if it was by accident one time. Behold, The Turkey Neck, and a list of recipes in which it will be useful!



Or, if Veal is something you have on your To-Nuke list, you can confidently unsheathe your butchery tools and go for the liver. Just go for it. It's all in the diagram. (By the way, you can eat the heart. Just be sure to remove all the veins and arteries first. A good thing to know in these soft economic times.) The point is, even if it IS meat, even if it is just pounds and pounds of dead flesh, which will, with mass and immoderate consumption, lead to even more pounds and pounds of dead flesh (you), we don't want you to waste anything; we want to you know HOW to make Tongue Soup. In seconds!


So get out your 17-inch pitchfork and your sharpest, most serrated-edged knife and get ready to masticate. It's only going to be about, oh, 10 minutes on HI, turning once, and another 5 minutes on LO until you can feel the gristle between your teeth.

And with all that time you save, you can put a little extra effort into your side-dishes. Like the egg, for example, atop the Meat Bluff pictured above. Or is that an onion? Hmm.. you know what, don't worry about the side dishes. There's enough meat for everyone to be satisfied. Very satisfied.
Over and over and over again.




I leave you now with a final array of of Meat Images. Dig in!
xo
ag

What the hall?

Blogger hasn't been letting me upload images to my blog in like a month.
I'm not over my quota... but it's always an INTERNAL ERROR.

Oh well. Hang in there, happy new year, and I'll be